Context

I was raised by God-fearing Latinos, mostly by my mother. So, I got plenty of the God-and-Devil talk. I spent a lot of time, especially nights, terrified of the Devil, of Hell, and of El Cucu (“the Bogeyman”). I inherited this Caribbean form of Catholicism; it was a way many uneducated people chose to keep their children from being naughty.

Around 16 or so, however, I began to question. I debated my atheist friends. Luckily, I was open-minded; I sought the truth. I realized, through educating myself, that science made more sense than religion. So, I became agnostic, not atheist, because, in the end, the point was, I didn’t know.

I grew older. I made friends with Christians and Muslims. I studied religion and philosophy in college. Both of these things taught me, among other things, the utility and complexity in religious belief.

I also went through difficult shit. I got severely depressed in 2015 and attempted suicide. I don’t like to talk about exactly what was going on at that time; it would require a lot of explanation. But these past experiences made me more open to the possibility of a God. Clearly, I wanted there to be a God because I wanted help. But I like to think, given my knowledge of science, that I remained aware of my likely bias and didn’t let it cloud my thinking. I simply held an open mind and paid attention.

Do I Believe?

If I had to wager, Pacal aside, I would bet on there being a God.

First, though, let me acknowledge that it’s a hard belief to justify purely rationally. You could try. You could talk about the beauty of the Universe, the cosmological constants, and so on. I’m not going to do that. (There are equally valid arguments on the other side.)

Let me also state that I don’t know whether or not a God exists. I believe. It’s a calculated belief, based on subjective feeling, based on my experiences; perceived possible intervention; and a few logical arguments. (For example, to paraphrase a friend, I do think there is, in contrast to the Problem of Evil, a Problem of Good, the phenomenon in which there is good in the world at all, when there need not be. In fact, many of us around the world live lives, on net, worth living, which is, in part, suggested by the global suicide rate, which is relatively low compared to the global birth rate). There’s something suggesting optimism in that comparison.)

What Is God to Me?

God is hope. He is the idea that there is some intention behind all of this, maybe in the origin of the Universe - that there should be existence at all. Perhaps He is behind the creation of intelligent life. I don’t know. I’m trying to describe a feeling that existence is better than non-existence, that this hope existed before existence, as we know it. It can also be stated thus: Somewhere some intelligence  knows I exist, and prefers that I do. (I am more certain of the first verb there than the second.) This implies my well-being is important to such an intelligence.

God is love. When I think about God, I think of eternal, unconditional love. Belief in a Creator, for me, is the feeling that someone - some intelligence somewhere - loves me no matter what, right or wrong, similar to a parent loving a child no matter what stupid shit the kid does. This is why the notion of God is so popular; it’s comforting. If I were certain that A) there’s a God and B) He loves me, it’s hard to imagine what I couldn’t live through. Hence, as we have seen repeatedly in history, people going through difficult times tend to move toward God. Despite the obvious counterargument of wishful thinking, to quote rapper Kendrick Lamar, “that’s just how feel.” I feel love. It’s not that how I feel is the best way of discovering truth. (Science is.) It’s that sometimes it’s all we have to discovery what may be.

God is also my feeling that there is an intelligence greater than mine - than all of humanity’s. This tells me that, again, there is hope beyond us; we are not limited to erroneous human cognition. Perhaps there are heights of knowledge out there that we may reach, that make us a better people. It also tells me that God gets us; that we need not explain; that there is room for redemption, for non-judgment. It sets the example for us.

What Is God Not to Me?

God is not a religious deity. The religious books are full of the telltale signs of their creators, ignorant humans. God is perhaps unknowable. If He speaks to you, let me know. Better yet, don’t.

God is not a genie I can count on to give me wishes. That’s wishful thinking. I also don’t think God meddles in the everyday affairs of humans, or other intelligent life forms in the Universe. That would probably make God rather petty, which would contradict my idea of God being intelligent. I also think this Bible-derived version of God is easily disprovable. If He existed in this way, why does He let children be routinely murdered and raped? One could argue to teach us through suffering. But what lesson did those children receive?

God is not, maybe most controversially, necessarily all powerful. I do believe God is good, as Joan Osborne sang in the ’90s. But when I reflect on all the suffering in the world, it seems to me that God would have to be committed to non-interference - at least, most of the time. This reminds me of a watchmaker. After making the watch, there only need be a few interventions every once in a while to make sure the thing keeps going. Many Christians argue that God’s commitment to free will explains the existence of evil. Yes, you would want to exist with free will, whether or not it is an illusion: to be fulfilled, to be an entity whose existence matters. Agreed. But I can’t imagine a good God not interfering at least some of the time; if God created the Universe for conscious creatures, if God is hope, then surely there are circumstances where humans take away all, or most, of the concomitant gifts from others (therefore, taking away aspects of free will). I can’t imagine a better time to intervene than before someone is murdered or raped after being tortured. This is truly a troubling thought for a believer. All I can say is that life is complicated. There are things we don’t see or know. Perhaps there are reasons that escape our myopic minds. Or, God doesn’t exist.

In the end, I choose to believe, knowing I may be wrong. A Godless universe fits with much of what I know about the universe as well. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful, if aware. Open-minded, if skeptical. If God does exist, I would like to know. Till then, I believe. Because I feel beauty. Hope. Reason. All beyond just me.

Note: God is a loaded term. It implies a personal religious diety. However, using other terms may be confusing. Keep in mind, I mean a hypothetical intelligence or creator behind the Universe itself. I also use the pronoun He, again, for the sake of clarity and ease of writing. It should not be taken literally.