On Failing, Over and Over

Lawyer

I was so argumentative as a kid, my mother joked that I had decided to become a lawyer. She’d repeat it whenever I got feisty, so I started saying it. Saying I wanted to become a lawyer at eight years old or so in front of grow-ups always got big reactions; they approved. I had no idea what a lawyer did, other than argue, but I knew it was impressive. And I identified with that idea for a few early years.

Pro Wrestler

My first true dream was to become a professional wrestler - you know, those big guys with the long hair who pretend to fight other similar guys in their underwear on TV. I was maybe 10, and mesmerized. I was a Hulkamaniac. And I remember wrapping myself in cables and running around the apartment while pretending to be the Ultimate Warrior.

At 15, I convinced my parents to take me to New Jersey, an almost two-hour journey by car from our home in The Bronx, to a professional wrestling school called The Monster Factory. Larry Sharpe called me a dreamer but, after a short try-out, agreed to train me. My mom paid some $3,500 for me - a one-time fee for life. I enjoyed training there very much.

Alas, a month before my first match in front of a crowd, my dad’s car broke down somewhere in New Jersey. He, a poor Puerto Rican man, paid several hundred dollars to 1) get the car fixed and 2) get it towed. He was irate and refused to ever drive me back, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. I decided to ask if he would lend me the car so that I could make the drive myself, if I got a driver’s license. He said yes. Well, I got my license as soon as I turned 16. And when the time came, he plainly refused. I hadn’t realized that he had lied to me from the beginning.

Rock Star

Despite growing up in The Bronx (and not fitting in), I spent most of my mood-ish teenage years listening to heavy metal. It was the era of the so-called nu metal scene. I enjoyed bands like Slipknot, Korn, and Mudvayne. My friends and I fantasized about forming a band. When I was about 18, my friends and I began to form one. The band, over time, due to grudges and so forth, became bands; I hopped around, trying to sing/scream. None of the bands worked out - not for me, at least. We just didn’t get along. And I was not a particularly good singer.

Teacher

At 20, I fell back in love with learning and went back to school, initially because I could study French. (I still love languages.) The first time I fell in love with learning was when I was a kid, reading the books my dad had around the house because I was afraid to go out and play with other kids at the park. It was during the critical thinking session during my college English courses that I decided I wanted to become an educator, a college professor. So, I kept going and got my bachelor’s in English from Fordham U.

Writer

It was at Fordham that I took my first creative writing class. There, I had rediscovered something else: my love of writing. Again, while I was a child, about 12 years old, while reading books at home, I fell in love with fiction specifically. I was a diehard Goosebumps kid. I read almost all of them, even many of the Ghosts of Fear Street books. Naturally, I experimented with writing stories, mostly imitations of RL Stine and, sometimes, Poe. So, after my bachelor’s, I would go on to get an MFA in Creative Writing.

Failing

All good? Well, no. I ended up trying to teach with a master’s, not ideal. I would be able to be an adjunct, which pays, but not nearly as much as a tenure-tracked position - a professorship. Even though a master’s is a “terminal” degree, because I don’t have a long and distinguished publishing history, I have yet to qualify for a position as a Professor of Creative Writing. Not good.

Further, in 2017, around the time I started teaching, I fell into a depression. There were deaths in the family and a breakup with a serious girlfriend. There were other, more serious things, too, I feel I can’t discuss. And despite believing my writing has gotten better, I haven’t been able to publish in a magazine for a few years. Not good at all.

Producer

When my second girlfriend broke up with me in 2020, it was hard, too. The pandemic didn’t help. I needed something to fill the void, something to distract me. I thought, given other failures, to go into trying to do music. (I had recently gotten into rap music due to the interesting writing.) It seemed to make sense because I had started with trying to do music as a teenager, I love music (it truly can be therapeutic), and I have a friend who is a musician. Initially, I tried to do production to not have to purchase tracks tracks to try to rap over. But I fell in love with producing. I obsessed over it and, in my opinion, got pretty decent at it. But when it came time to record the rap, to actually rap, I quickly realized rapping wasn’t for me. It’s the wrong medium for me; I couldn’t devote my life to it.

Finance Youtuber

Another one of my long-held interests has been finance. Ever since I bought John Layfied’s book Have More Money Now (remember, I was a big pro wrestling fan), I was fascinated by investing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford the $500 I needed back then for the E*Trade account, so I couldn’t invest. Until Robinhood. And I’ve been investing ever since. After watching finance/investing Youtube videos for years, and seeing the potential for revenue, and having failed at other things, I decided to give Youtube a shot. Plus, I had extra time provided by the pandemic. I made several investing-related Youtube videos. I got some encouragement, but maintaining a weekly schedule was difficult. Many things are difficult. But this provided me with the reflection I needed. I realized that while I’m passionate about investing, I couldn’t devote my life to trying to teach it, especially when there are other things it took me away from.

Solution?

By now, perhaps you’ve noticed I can be a bit ADD. I like to dabble, to try new experiences. The difficult circumstances exacerbated my need for an “answer.” My failures have been my teacher.

So here, after all this, is what I’ve figured out (again). I am a writer. And I will continue to write, mostly science fiction. I like poetry, too. I like movies and good series. I want stories to be a part of my life. Initially, I was afraid I had fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy, because I had gotten an MFA and spent years writing, without publishing. But, really, I had lost some faith.

I also like podcasting and making videos. And I will continue to do these things. I faced some difficulty in podcasting; people sometimes did not follow through with communication or commitments. This sort of thing was frustrating and discouraging. But, in the end, I can’t be disheartened from trying if this is something I would do even if I had all the money in the world. And that is all I can commit to right now: I will try my best, every day.

I am still a writer, podcaster, and educator. I simply have to make it work in a way that produces happiness, and not stress and disappointment. That is a difference in gratitude. I have been inconsistent. And I’m sorry for that (to myself and to others). And I may be in the future. But no one will ever make me feel bad for not having enough subscribers or views. That’s a misunderstanding of why I do things, or don’t do things. I didn’t quit the investing channel, for example, because I got few views. I stopped because, like rapping, I realized I was trying to fill a void, to find myself, and hadn’t yet.

In sum, I believe that sometimes you have to do, to see. Passion can be misleading. While you may be passionate and good at something, it doesn’t mean that you should do it professionally. But sometimes that isn’t clear from the outside. It is through doing that you can truly experience what there is to experience. And your heart will tell you. Life is challenging. Challenges beg for answers. Take time to not have one, and figure it out, patiently and intelligently. It may cost you some time upfront. But peace of mind and a good life is worth it.